Ep. 6244: Tournament of Champions, Day 7 (11/10/11)
Kara: Kara tells a very touching story in a valley girl voice, which makes me want to punch her a little. Her father went to Notre Dame, as did Kara and two of her brothers. Her dad passed away after her second year of college, and when Kara was on Jeopardy! originally, her father’s college roommate tracked her down and wrote her a beautiful letter about her dad and their time in college. As she finishes this story, she’s nearly in tears, but she’s still ending every phrase like it’s a question. Maybe she’s just staying in practice for when the game starts back up, who knows?
Jay: Alex starts out his leading question by saying that if you’re a celebrity and you win on Celebrity Jeopardy! you might be written up in the Hollywood Reporter or Variety. This seems doubtful… Anyway, Jay was written about in the ASCO Connection — the American Society of Clinical Oncology newsletter — during his original run on the show. But he was interviewed about “genetic mutations and how they confer prognostic features in certain malignancies.” The audience laughs. Alex shakes his head and makes a face and then says “I asked.” Yes, Alex, you did. You asked an oncologist what was written about him in an oncology trade journal and he told you. Don’t be an asshole about it.
Buddy: Buddy won $90k on his first run. With these winnings, he paid off some credit cards, dropped off the kids, and took off to Vegas. “Thank you!” says Alex. “That’s what I wanted to hear!” You know, Alex, for someone who loves putting on an overly-enunciated French accent and telling people they’re wrong so much, you sure are into Buddy’s story with the small words and the gambling and disdainful of Jay’s story about cancer research.
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Anecdote winner: Kara, I guess. I tend to like pithy and funny, but her story was nice. (Actual winner: Buddy, after a really difficult Final Jeopardy! clue that everyone got wrong.)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: typing that out is a total waste of my time.
Ep. 6243: Tournament of Champions, Day 6 (11/9/11)
Erin: I don’t know how she could possibly top her last story, but here’s her attempt. She plays tuba in the BU band and the night her College Tournament win aired on TV, she was playing at a hockey game (fun fact: BU doesn’t have a football team and they treat hockey like it’s something people actually care about in the U.S. — isn’t that adorable?). So her friends called the hockey arena after she’d won and had them announce it at the game in front of 6,000 people.
Tom: Not only did Tom’s winnings allow him to jump-start his wife’s business, they also allowed him to quit his day job and become a writer. Alex notes that the nearly quarter-million dollars he won during his 8-day streak allowed him to do this. Tom fires back that an actual quarter-million dollars* would help too.
*$250,000 is what the winner of the ToC gets.
Justin: Justin’s just finished officer basic training for the Army Reserve. He said it was great training and he looks forward to taking care of the soldiers (because he is a doctor, remember?). Alex immediately brings up the fact that Justin could be deployed to “some dangerous places.” Justin kind of just shrugs and grins awkwardly, because what the hell, Alex?! Let Doogie enjoy his ToC run without reminding him of his possibly imminent death.
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Anecdote winner: Ugh. Weak sauce today, everyone. I’ll go with Tom because he’s still my favorite and he gave Alex a tiny bit of sass. (Actual winner: Tom!)
Number of times someone said, “That’s right, Alex”: You know the answer.
Ep. 6242: Tournament of Champions, Day 5 (11/8/11)
Christopher: Christopher is a pub trivia editor, which I think is code for unemployed. He once had a dispute over a pub trivia question that asked what is the lowest dollar amount you can win the game with.* Some trivia attendee took issue with the answer Christopher provided and emailed him to say so. Christopher said he had “a pretty good time directing him to several websites showing him my authority on the matter.” Dude, just because you were on Jeopardy! does not make you an expert on all of its obscure rules. AND you didn’t even give us your answer to the question. Jerk.
*I think the answer to this is $0, if it’s a three-way-tie, because you can’t go negative in Final Jeopardy. But I’ve never seen that happen. I have seen people win with $1. I don’t know for sure if they’ll let you come back as a champ if you finish with no money, but because all three people would have to lose everything, it’s very unlikely to happen.
Justin: Justin is a urologist who looks like he’s about 14. He also kind of looks like Neil Patrick Harris, which I can only extrapolate to assume that he is the subject of Doogie Howser comparisons fairly regularly. Anyway. After he won, he was profiled in his hometown newspaper, the Baltimore Sun. The article mentioned that he’s soon moving to Delaware, and a reader wrote in a letter to the editor condemning Maryland’s tax code, assuming that was the reason Justin was moving. But Justin just found a nice house in Delaware, that’s all!
Mark: Mark should lose the Bieber hair. Even Bieber has lost the Bieber hair, dude. He’s a waiter and his boss calls him “Mr. Jeopardy Pants.” It hasn’t caught on, but his boss is trying really hard to make it happen. Alex says, “Let’s see how well you do in this tournament, and maybe he’ll push even harder or give up altogether!” If you lose, Mark, your boss won’t give you a dumb nickname! Maybe!
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Anecdote winner: Mark, because the word “pants” is kind of funny. (Actual winner: Mark, because Justin made a stupid wager)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: Why do I even bother?
For those keeping score at home, we now have completed the quarterfinals! Here are the players coming back for round 2: Mark, Tom, Roger, Joon, and Buddy. And to keep it from being a total sausage fest, the wild card players (highest-scoring non-winners): Jay, Erin, Kara, and Doogie — I mean, Justin. See you in the semifinals!
Ep. 6241: Tournament of Champions, Day 4 (11/7/11)
Buddy: Buddy’s three-year-old son video chats with his grandparents on a regular basis. Alex stops the story to confirm that a three-year-old can video chat. Buddy tells Alex disdainfully that his son doesn’t do it by himself, but the boy is used to the TV being interactive. So when Buddy’s episode of Jeopardy! aired and Buddy wouldn’t talk to his son from the TV, his son cried for the duration of the show.
Erin: Erin is the College Tournament champ. She made friends with some of the other College Tournament contestants and they’re great people. Erin, please tell me and then you found $10. Because otherwise you just completely wasted 20 seconds of my life.
Paul: Paul used his winnings to take his fiancee to Hawaii, buy a ring and propose to her. He saved most of his winnings for a house and grad school though.
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Anecdote winner: Buddy, by default. And all of us, because no one was name-checked today. (Actual winner: Buddy)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: 0, duh.
Ep. 6240: Tournament of Champions, Day 3 (11/4/11)
Joon: Joon is a 7-day champ who won $199,000. He and his wife (Caroline, in case you were wondering. Oh, you weren’t? Huh. Neither was anyone else) are donating half of his winnings to charity: to their church, to poverty & hunger relief efforts, and to disaster relief efforts. This gets applause from the crowd, because it’s a great thing to do. I can’t mock this. I even feel a little bad for making fun of him name-checking his wife. Not bad enough to erase it though.
Tom: Tom has eyebrows to rival Peter Gallagher’s (for reference). After he won, he took a trip to New York City. He and his girlfriend Heather (again, no one asked) went for three days before going to a wedding upsta…zzzz. They went to Rockefeller Center and Times Square, which are two of my most-hated places on the planet. He also visited the gravesite of his hero, Alexander Hamilton, at Trinity Church. Astute readers will know that Trinity Church is also the site of the National Treasure, as depicted in the film of the same title, featuring Mr. Nicolas Cage.
John: He started a blog where he watches & writes about sad movies. “You know, The Notebook, Beaches, Hotel Rwanda, that kind of thing.” Alex asks if he gets a lot of hits, and John replies, “I will now!” Except that you don’t tell us the title or the URL of the blog, John, so no you won’t. Also I don’t think you should really put The Notebook and Hotel Rwanda in the same category, ever. Rich people with Alzheimer’s and genocide are different kinds of sad, dude.
Anecdote winner: They were all snoozers. I guess Joon, for being a good person? (Actual winner: Joon)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: none.
Ep. 6239: Tournament of Champions, Day 2 (11/3/11)
Kara: On one of her early Jeopardy! appearances, she told Alex that if she won, she’d put his picture on her fridge. She had a laminated picture of him from a parade in Pittsburgh from the 1980s and she put it on her new fridge that she bought with her winnings. Alex asked if he’s magnetized. Kara tells him he is, but he had previously been held up with a sticker from a ham company. Alex looks directly at the camera in defeat.
Brian: Brian works at a film archive, where they have a 300-seat theater. He and about 30 colleagues watched one of his Jeopardy! appearances on the big screen. It’s very intimidating to see yourself in high definition on a 20-ft screen, he tells us. Alex corrects him: “It’s mind-blowing. Terrific.”
Roger: Roger is wearing a hideous cream-colored suit and he is balding in a creepy way. He could use the aid of a TV makeover show, or at least a barber. Some men can go bald with dignity, but Roger isn’t one of them. Just shave it and own it, dude. Anyway. Roger went to a taping of The Colbert Report and was seated in the first row. Stephen found out Roger had been on Jeopardy! and started asking Roger Jeopardy! questions. Alex asks if Stephen Colbert was a good host, “in terms of asking the questions.” Because “he’s a lot younger than me, that’s why I’m asking.” Roger said Mr. Colbert started out good, but then started making things up.
Guys, when Stephen Colbert wants to retire from political and social satirist, I dearly, dearly hope he takes over for Trebek. I literally can’t think of anyone better.
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Anecdote winner: Kara, for telling Alex to his face that she put his picture up with a ham sticker. But I will give Roger a close second for planting the seed that Colbert is the perfect successor to Trebek. (Actual winner: Roger)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: 0. But Kara said, “It did happen, Alex.” So there’s that.
Ep. 6238: Tournament of Champions, Day 1 (11/2/11)
The Tournament of Champions is awesome. You have really smart, really fast players. As a bonus, they generally know how to tell a good Jeopardy! anecdote because they’ve done it a minimum of five times before. Also, they are generally less annoying than the average Jeopardy! contestant. I am excited for the next two weeks.
Charles: He won $100,000 as the champ of this year’s Teachers Tournament. The last night of the tournament aired during his school’s prom, so the school bussed the whole senior class and their dates to a restaurant they’d rented out and everyone watched his Jeopardy win and then the kids went and danced. This is a SUPER-effective strategy to make sure no one is boning on prom night, I have to imagine. Name me something less sexy than your teacher on Jeopardy!. Nothing, that’s what.
Jay: He’s a former 5-day champ. Last time, he said he was going to use his winnings to buy a sump pump and a Chanel bag (presumably for his wife, though this is not articulated). He bought the sump pump. Alex posits that a sump pump costs $285, and a Chanel bag costs $4,000. (Someone’s PA did some quick googling before the show!) Jay says $4,000 will only buy you a Chanel bag at a discount.
Tom: He was the most successful player this past season: 8-day champ! Which translates to $235k in winnings. Nice. He used the money to get his wife’s handbag business running. She moved it out of their basement and the sparkly vinyl purses are manufactured in a small factory in Seattle and distributed in 40 stores. Alex suggests maybe they can get one for Jay, as they cost less than $4,000. Then Alex looks at the camera earnestly and says, “Being a champ on Jeopardy! CAN change your life.”
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Anectdote winner: Tom, because he was my favorite contestant of the season, and because I cannot confirm that Charles’ school’s Prom/Jeopardy viewing party was actually an anti-sex-on-prom-night strategy (if it was, then Charles). (Actual winner: Tom!)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: zilch
Ep. 6237: Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Emily: Last October, she spent a weekend jumping out from behind a headstone and giving a monologue about the woman who was buried there. Sounds like some lame haunted house/educational walking tour thing. The woman she was talking about was named Elizabeth Draper, and Emily suddenly realized she was playing Betty Draper!!!! HAHA. Like on Mad Men, get it?! No one is amused by that detail, Emily. Because Betty Draper is not a real person and it was not her headstone. Also in general, lame.
Dave: Played a fry cook in a KFC training video when he was in high school. Alex says this clearly did not lead him to Hollywood. Dave agrees. Whatever, I think this is awesome. Is this video hilariously dated and on YouTube? This Wendy’s video is. I defy you not to laugh.
Creepy Evan, 1-day champ: Went to Harvard, was a member of the Hasty Pudding troupe, which Evan explains is an all-male, drag, original show. Of course it is, you creeper. Alex asks if this means he’s good in heels. Creepy Evan says “I’m doin’ okay…” which implies he is currently wearing heels. GROSS. Also Creepy Evan is wearing a button-down shirt unbuttoned one too many buttons and I can see both thick chest hair and a gold necklace. Because he is a sleazy creeper. Also, a very large proportion of Harvard alums are jerks, so… ALSO ALSO ALSO!! He went to Harvard and he is a hotel front desk clerk?! I kind of want to hear the story of how he went from Cambridge, Mass. to working as a front desk clerk.
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Anecdote winner: Dave! (Actual winner: Emily. I’m not looking forward to another lame story from her, but at least Creepy Evan is no more.)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: None. Again.
NOTE: Emily is banished for two weeks while we experience the best part of the Jeopardy! season: the Tournament of Champions!
Ep. 6236: Monday, October 31, 2011
Evan: Evan is really creepy. He is a hotel front desk clerk, which somehow makes him seem way more creepy than if he was an accountant or something. First, his story: he and his wife do “birthday kidnappings,” which sound like they could very easily be deranged sex games. They plan secret vacations for each other’s birthdays, wait until the last possible second to tell each other, and then they “go and have an amazing time.” He namechecks his wife, because of course. Then after story time, he gets both daily doubles and proceeds to make creepy faces, suggestively lick his upper lip, and look like he’s giving the buzzer a hand job.
Gina: Alex claims he always wondered what happened to the greyhounds who “retired” from the racetracks in Florida. He clearly did not always wonder, and was clearly trying very hard to set up Gina’s story, which is that she has adopted a lot of dogs since the late ‘80s. She’s currently on greyhounds 14 & 15. Admirable; did not need the labored setup. Side note: her bangs are from 1991, I think.
Sunny, two-day champ: I know I didn’t write about Sunny’s first two appearances, but suffice to say that Sunny seems like a nice lady but she has consistently worn ill-fitting clothing, and she has the same haircut as Becky the cheerleader on Glee. Today’s story: she tried out for the Teen Tournament at the Mall of America 20 years ago, but didn’t make it. Now she did. Yay!
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Anecdote winner: Gina, for saving dogs. (Actual winner: weird sex perv Evan, which means he’s back tomorrow. UGH. )
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: zero
Ep. 6229: Thursday, October 20, 2011
Jay proposed to his fiancée in Rome last summer. Name checks her (this is something only terrible people do). They’re planning an Italian wedding for next summer in Rome. To avoid some of the hassle of a traditional wedding? HA, Jay, HA. As a newlywed, I can tell you that a destination wedding is only going to add to your hassle. Also, you are rich jerks. Then Jay tells Alex he’s invited and to bring Johnny [Gilbert, the announcer, in case you’re a cretin]. Alex is VERY quick to say “Johnny and me and our wives, ok!” I think Alex is very nervous that people are going to think he’s gay. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, amirite??
Jessie teaches her kids about a different country every week, in which they cook appropriate ethnic food and color an appropriate flag. Now they’re learning about the 50 states and last week they watched “The Princess and the Frog” and ate beignets to learn about Louisiana. Her kids really love it. Maybe because watching Disney movies and eating donuts isn’t teaching them anything.
Lloyd, one day champ: When he was 15, he lived in Mexico and had a summer job working as a door-to-door book salesman. He had some cash in his pocket after making some deliveries and some pretty girls approached him. When they parted ways, Lloyd realized his pockets “were a bit lighter than they’d been before.” Alex says this is an important lesson to learn for a 15-year-old. Whether this lesson is to be wary of pickpockets or to not frequent prostitutes remains a mystery.
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Anecdote winner: Lloyd. (Actual winner: Jay. Ugh.)
Number of times someone said “That’s right, Alex”: goose egg
